dream outloud

I really haven't moved very much in my life. I moved to college in Indiana when I was 18, I spent a semester studying abroad in Lithuania my senior year, moved back to Indiana, and when I graduated, I moved back home to Chicago with the intention of returning to Indiana for a job that would begin in December, which later fell through. Now, I live in the same house that I've lived in since I was 2 years old and in the same room I've lived in since I was 12, with the same people I've lived with since I was born.

Not a whole lot has changed. In fact, at 27, I pretty much feel like I'm back in high school. I'm living in my old room. I don't have a car, so I have to ask to borrow my Dad's. My Mom's always giving me 20 Questions: "Where are you going?", "Who are you going with?", What are you doing?", "What time do you think you'll get home?". Or calling me at work to tell me she might not be home in time to cook dinner. Dang. You mean, I might have a few minutes of peace? (dripping with sarcasm)

As much as I know that they only ask questions because they love me and they want to know what's going on in my life, I need (and have always needed) a certain amount of space. And that amount is "a lot". Which I have never received when living at home. Yeah, I guess that's pretty typical in most families...but I definitely feel like I'm past that point. I'm a couple years from 30, and still in the living situation of a 16 year old. Which really grates on my independent spirit.

Actually, it's incredibly ironic (and tragic) that out of us 3 siblings, I'm the child still living at home. (Okay, Ricky lives at home, but he's 19, and is pretty okay with it). I was always the one who was itching to get out of the house, live on my own, see the world, be a successful career woman... And here I am, eating family dinner, and retiring to my room where I try to avoid remembering that I live at home, and then go to sleep in the same twin bed that I've been sleeping in for the past 15 years. Weird. Strange. Sad. Don't get me wrong - I love my family. I just love them much, much better from a distance.

Yup, I'm Stuck.

You're probably wondering, "why doesn't she just move out?". And I'll tell you - Chicago is a very expensive city to live in. And I have a lot of very pricey school loans (which were not really worth it), and a not very well paying job (yet more evidence that it was not really worth it). So, living rent-free is a very nice option. If I could put what I pay in loans bills every month into an apartment, I'd have some pretty sweet digs. But as it is, I feel incredibly burdened to get rid of my loan-burdens as quickly as possible. Even if it means not living the way I thought I'd be living right now. And living with my family. And answering 20 Questions. And borrowing a car.

But, the main reason I keep staying "stuck" where I'm at, is because what I keep hearing from God is: "wait".

I gotta tell you - I really don't like this word -

"wait".

It definitely cramps my style. But, like I've been talking about in blogs past - "God's time is the right time".

So, I'll wait. Oh, I'll have my moments of frustration, and doubt. And I'll have moments when I want to tear my hair out and run as fast as possible from my parent's Bungalow. But, I'll wait. Because the rewards of obeying God and waiting far outweighs a future of my own making.