dream outloud

So, we're at the mid-week point of Week 3 of campers - a Junior High week.

It's definitely been a mixed bag this week - my pendulum of responsibilities has been wildly swinging from one end to the other.  I've had awesome days, where I get to the end, and think, "this is what it's all about!  What a great day, with so many great experiences, conversations, and interactions!".  And there are other days, where I get home and think, "Will this week not end?  Will this summer not end?  What am I doing here?". 

I'm not sure how to level out, and stop this wild swinging.  I know I'm here because the Lord planned it, and so I know that He'll work everything out for good.  But, every once in a while, I feel the unsettled edges of the not-so-distant- future creeping in and disturbing my joy.  What will I be doing in 4 months?  Where will I be?  Who will I be?  Lord - what is your plan?  What are you doing in me?

Obviously, I'm in a questioning place today.  But, the thing is that nothing's really gone "wrong" today...it was all just very scattered.  And I've allowed myself to be distracted from my purpose here, and some internal longings.  All of which have thrown my balance off.  (which seems to be a pretty regular occurrence)

Anyways - some highlights of the week have been:

• Spending days encouraging people
• Visiting all the different areas around camp and talking with the staff
• Having meaningful conversations
• Carpet ball games
• Kayaking
• Cloud-gazing
• Having my staff have "victory moments"
• Being encouraged in the Word
• Reading poetry (E.E. Cummings rules)
• Watching the best of Chris Farley with friends
• Long conversations after meals
• Meetings with wise leaders
• Reminiscing over photos
• Talking about Boaz with some of the ladies (what a guy!)
• Singing loud in the truck

So, lots of good stuff.  Negatives stick out in my head, but these are the things that I want to focus on.  God is doing good things, and I want to be a part of it all.  Use me here, Lord.  Show me what you want for me, and need from me.  Teach me your ways, and help me to glorify you.

Whew!  It's been so long since I've written on here - and SO much has changed....

New Job
New State
New House
New Challenges
New Experiences
New People
New Everything!

Since May 1, I've been the Interim Assistant Director of Youth Ministries at an amazing camp in Wisconsin called Timber-lee.  It's a pretty sweet place.  So many things to do, so many kids, so many opportunities for the kids to get to know Christ better or for the first time.  And I get to be a part of it.  Wow.

It still blows my mind that the Lord saw fit to bring me to where I'm at today.  To a virtual dream job. But, along with all the amazingly great things - like working at camp, being in the outdoors, working with great people, having an amazing staff, living in my own home, living in Wisconsin, working with kids, and getting to help them meet Jesus - there are a lot of hard things, and a lot of learning things too.

I'm having to re-learn management.  I'm having to re-learn how to use my trouble-shooting skills after so many years or working at a non-challenging desk job.  I have to learn how to balance my time when I live at my work, and can easily work 70 hours a week.  I'm having to be incredibly teachable - to ask questions, and be willing to fail.

That last part is definitely one of the hardest parts for me....being willing to fail.  I hate failure.  It is one of my biggest fears ever - and it definitely plays on my pride.  When I do something, I always want it to be perfect the first time.  And that's certainly not going to happen here - but it's giving me an even bigger and broader understanding for and appreciation of God's incredible grace.

Mornings have been so good here.  I have a 1 minute commute (hooray after 6 years of an hour plus commute!), and I can kinds of set my own schedule.  So, I get up around 6 am,go for a job, get ready for the day, make breakfast and a french press around 7 am, and sit on the porch to spend time in the Word and prayer.  By 7:58 am, I head out the door, hop on my bike, and by 8 am, I'm in my office, preparing for the day.  It's so great to finally be able to have my "perfect" morning routine.  Not much could make it better.

So, quick synopsis of the past 2 months.  I moved to Wisconsin into my new home May 1st.  May 2nd, my nephew Dovven was born, and I settled into my place.  May 3rd I began work/training.  Melissa (the gal who I'm filling in for while she's on maternity leave), and Chris (my direct supervisor) oriented me to the job, and we trained for 1.5 weeks, before one morning, I got a text from Melissa at 6:30 am, that she was in labor at the hospital.  So, I didn't get quite all the training I was hoping on, and got thrown in head first to the melee that would be the next 3 weeks.  That weekend, I had to train 2 lifeguards (which was interesting, because I hadn't been fully trained yet - but we made it work).  the next week, I dove in, and did all the Leadership and Summer training prep that I could think to do.  May 23rd(?) the Summer Leadership team arrived, and we had a week of training.  June 1st, the rest of the summer staff arrived, and we began 2 weeks of intensive training and preparation for all the kids that are going to be here this summer.

Right now, we're going into the 3rd week of Summer camp.  We've already had 1 week of Junior High camp, and 1 week of Junior Camp and 3 days of Camp Start (the itty bitty kiddies).  Tomorrow, the next wave of Jr. Hi campers come, and I fully enter the portion of the summer where I have to go from "Boss" to "Disciplinarian".  Yuck.  I'm having a few staff issues, and I'm just praying that the Lord will give me the wisdom, boldness, love and grace to say what I need to say, and do what I need to do.  I don't like being the "bad guy", but I also don't like it when I can't depend upon my staff to do what they need to do.  That is a definite problem.

Anyways, the Lord is good, and He is faithful.  I know that I am here because it's His will, and that He placed me here as a part of His divine purpose.  So, I know that He will give me all the tools that I need to do this job well.  Sometimes, I just wish that meant that He would magically give me all words to say, and the perfect opportunities to say them in - or that I'd have the most incredibly perfect staff ever, and I'd never need to correct them.  :)  Ah well.  Where would be the learning in that!

I'll try to update this at least once a week from now through the end of the summer to fill everyone in on the antics of the week.  Highlights of the past week are:  Catching a mini-Northern, talking with Aiden, hanging out with Pam B., hearing Jenny laugh until she honks, racing my bike with a tractor, and a motor bike (and beating the tractor), going to a rodeo, driving through a crazy thunderstorm/tornado zone, and sitting on my porch...among other things.  Thank you Lord, for all the good gifts you give me!