dream outloud

Wow - so much has happened in the last 3 weeks.  It's hard to even process all that I've done.

We camped at a site in Bay Furnace - it was wonderful and cozy - and did day trips to multiple waterfalls, beaches, lighthouses, and wooded paths.  We ate like queens, and before we left on Thursday, we did a 10 mile loop through one of the most beautiful areas I have ever seen.  As we hiked along the shoreline, each time we can to a new bend in the road, we'd all gasp and exclaim, "this is AMAZING!".  We couldn't believe that it just kept getting better.  The rock formations along Lake Superior are gorgeous and the water was a caribbean colored green/blue.  We couldn't decide if it felt more like we were in Mexico or the Pacific Northwest, with the beautiful bluffs and pine trees.  Everywhere we looked was more beautiful than the last sight we'd seen.  Incredible trip.

For the past few weeks, I've been prepping for Jumpstart retreats and the Mother/Daughter retreat at the beginning of next month.  It's been crazy, and I've been working way too many hours.  But, the Lord has been providing in all things (as He always does), and all has been working out.  September 17-19 was the first of two Jumpstart weekends.  It was Sr. Hi, and Josh Petersen spoke, and 38 Acres led us in worship.  It turned out to be a really good weekend.  Though it totally stressed me out and exhausted me in every way!  The LCMs were awesome and helped out wherever they could, but there were no volunteers, so 80% of the weekend was an exhausting one-man-show.                                           

So, after working 70 hours (easily) last week, I'm taking the day off, and enjoying a little down time at the Humboldt Alterra in Milwaukee.  (I love this place!)  Tomorrow, the prep for Jumpstart week to will begin again, and I'd like to have all of the Mother/Daughter prep work done by Friday too...We'll see what I can accomplish. 

Yesterday, the remainder of my staff left, leaving me with a mixed sense of elation, and guilt at that sense of freedom.  On one hand, it's absolutely wonderful to not be directly responsible for the well-being of anyone on grounds; it's great being able to focus on completing all the planning phases of the upcoming retreats without worrying whether my staff are getting a meal that night or not; and it's amazing not having to "rally the troops" to do jobs that they don't really want to do.  On the other hand, I had a fabulous staff - they were willing workers - for the most part - they got along great, and they were just a lot of fun (when I wasn't pulling my hair out).  So, it's a mixed bag, but being able to sleep in until 8:30 am today, was definitely worth it - even if I did have to work the waterfront from 10 pm - noon.  :)

Here's a quick run down on the last few weeks - it's been a whirlwind for sure!
Two week ago, Urban Campers arrived for 5 days of camp.  It's quite different from our regular summer camp, in that our involvement as staff is minimal - it's planned and executed by a committee, and campers come up with their church groups who provide their "counselors" for the week.  So, we pretty much just end up running waterfront, slip n' slides, a few games, and helping out with archery and tower when needed - they even cut out Acorns this year.  So, our work was fairly minimal, but loosing that camper interaction is a little hard for a lot of my staff - they really like to hang out with the kids, and the Urban Camp staff would prefer that we just "mind our own business".  (Which is funny, because interacting with campers is our business).  Anyways, it was a good week, and especially so because on Wednesday night, I was able to go up with part of the Adventure team to run raft support on the Wolf river for an adventure trip that was out!

Jason, Kara, Kurt, Hannah and I headed out to the Wolf at about 5 pm Wednesday night, stopping at REI and Q'doba along the way (Yay!), and ended up pulling in to the campground around 9:30 pm.  It was a fun road trip - lots of singing of country songs, a little Jim Gaffigan, and lots of "my tractor" sightings, and a beautiful sunset.  We sat around the campfire with the Adventure leads for an hour or so before pitching camp.

Thursday morning, we left for the river at about 8:30 am.  We got to Ralph's around 9 am, Ryan gave the river talk, and we all hopped in the bus to go to the head water.  I rafted with Jason (who's a great guide), and it was a LOT of fun!  I seriously wish that guiding those trips was a part of my job.  The kids were great, the day was beautiful, the water was perfect, the rapids were excellent...it was a good day.  Jason and I usually paved the way, and then eddied out after rapids to stop on the shore and take photos of the rest of the rafts as they ran the rapids.  It was pretty sweet - I got some great photos.  :)  We were on the river for about 8 hours, and after we'd shot Big Smokey, we returned the rafts, and then went back to the fall to go under it - that was pretty sweet, but the current was wicked!  There were some white water kayakers who kept hauling their boats up tot he top of the fall and going back down - I don't blame them - if the rafts weren't so dang heavy, I would have too!

Needless to say, after a day of that caliber of paddling, and the unforgiving sun beat down on us, I was whooped!  We ended up sticking around Ralph's for a while waiting for one of our vans to get back - which was kinda nice - to just sit on the bridge and listen to the water.  We went back to the camp ground, changed, said our good byes and hit the road.  We stopped for dinner along the river, and then made our way back to camp.  It was a late night.  Jason drove (bless his heart!), and the rest of us totally zonked out.  At one point, Jay had to pull over at a gas station and take a cat nap to make it home.  (I totally respect a man who knows his limits!)  He said he looked back at us when he pulled in, and we were all heads back, mouths open, dead to the world.  And I believe it.  We got back to camp around 2 am, and I had to be up at 6 am to prep for....something...I can't even remember what now.  So, it was a short night, and a full day - but completely worth it!

Sunday, Burn Camp began.  Our roll during Burn Camp was even more minimal that Urban Camp.  We ran waterfront, slip n' slides and Acorns.  And did TONS of projects all week.  It was wild - but we got it all done.  Like I said, I had a great staff!  There were definitely times where I saw their spirits waning - we were doing things like "grooming the corn maze" and "hay", so it was pretty exhausting - but there were troopers.  I tried to do some fun things for them...Tuesday, we had a Leathershop time during the day, Wednesday, we had a waterfront time, Thursday, I had a BBQ for them at the beach, and Friday I took a van-full of staff to Gus's for icecream - that was a LOT of fun.  :)  And yesterday, after everyone was checked out of their rooms, we cleaned up and put away the slip n' slide, and said our goodbyes.  And then I took a nap.

Saturday night, I went to church - which was so great - I hadn't been in weeks.  It was good to see friends, have some time in worship and hear from the Word.  Then, Melissa, Jamison and I went out for dinner at Potbelly's.  It was good to sit and talk with a friend for a while.  I went to bed at 9 pm, and that brings you up to speed!

Today, after working the waterfront, I went back to my house, had a nice conversation with Kara, made BLTs, took a shower, took a nap, and then headed to Lake Geneva.  (the plan was REI, but I couldn't get out the door fast enough).  I think there's a water show going on at the lake, but it's super crowded, so I've opted for Starbucks, and here I am...sipping a latte and enjoying Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.

Next week should be pretty nice.  Chris told me to "take it easy", so I'm working 4 hours a day.  Tuesday through Thursday, I'm going with Kara and a couple other girls to Pictured Rocks in Michigan for some camping and hiking - it looks beautiful!  AND, my friend Kellie just teased me with an "are you interested in Boundary Waters next weekend?" to which I say, "YES!".  So - good things on the horizon.  I can't wait to get some quality time with these ladies!

Sianara for now!

Whoa!  Today was the last day of Summer Camp.  The last campers have packed up with their parents and gone home.  The last blobs have been blobbed, and the last game of dodgeball has been played.  The "Sobfest" is over, and all the counselors and some support staff have gone home after creating a fantastic summer camp experience for hundreds of kids.

So what happens now?  Now come Urban Camp and Burn Camp.  They're not officially Summer Camp, as they're not run by the Timber-lee program team, but they're weeks of camp none the less. Which means that I still have most of my staff here, which is awesome!!!  So, we have off until 2 pm tomorrow when we'll reconvene, to discuss the coming week.  It's gonna be pretty chill...despite the fact that almost 400 guests will be here.  Our responsibilities are relatively few:  running the craft shop, waterfront, archery, belaying at tower, and manning the slip n' slide; helping out with a rodeo and a carnival, and completing lots of "end of summer projects".  It should be a good couple weeks - lots of bonding as a group.

Then, (da-da-DA!) I'm done with summer camp!  Crazy!  I think it'll be a little bitter-sweet, but I'm definitely looking forward to having a break, and not working 60-80 hrs a week.  Ahhh....  However, I will have to start planning in earnest for Jumpstart and the Mother/Daughter retreat.  That should be fun, but I'm having a hard time thinking about it right now.

So, I guess I'll just update you on the rest of my day off earlier this week.  I did talk to my Alterra "friends".  They were using some amazingly awesome looking brewing equipment, so I stopped by the counter to ask about them, and to ask if they gave tours. "No" to the tours, but the brewing gadgets were awesome!  They looked like crazy lab equipment, but apparently they brew great, because they create a vacuum with exerts more pressure on the grounds, which extracts more flavor from the coffee.  Sweet, right?!  Anyways, we talked "coffee" for a while - the Roaster was really awesome, and super friendly/knowledgeable - I asked where I should go in Milwaukee.  He thought about it for a bit, and then told me I should go to Brady Street.  I guess it's a pretty hip spot in Milwaukee.  I said my "thank you's" , and headed out into Milwaukee. 

I parked on Brady Street, and wandered around for a while - in and out of stores - and I may have walked down to Alterra by the Lake for another chai... ;)  I wandered back up Brady Street to where I was parked, popped another quarter in the meter and walked the opposite direction.  It was OK.  Really, it was just nice to walk around for a bit, do some people watching, and just enjoy being outside.  After I'd wandered for a bit longer, I hopped back in the car, and headed towards the 3rd Ward, which I heard was the "historic district" in Milwaukee.  I meandered my way over there, saw an Anthropologie and parked (cause that's a sweet store!). 

I really like the 3rd Ward!  It's beautiful!  The architecture is wonderful - lots of retail stores have revamped and occupied old factory buildings, it's beautifully landscaped with wide boulevards, and just beautifully planned.  I'd definitely like to return and wander some more. 

After I'd had my fill of walking, I decided I'd better hit the road before rush hour.  So, I drove back to Mukwonago, where I stopped for gas, and then did laundry.  I still wasn't quite ready to return to camp after doing laundry, so I decided that a trip to Lake Geneva was in order.  When I got there, I texted Ruth and asked if she'd be interested in meeting up for coffee, and she was!  That day just got better and better!  So, I sat on a bench by the lake for a while, read my Bible and Journaled, and then made my way over to Caribou.  (3 coffee shops in 1 day!)  Ruth I talked with Liz (who was working) for a while, then sat down with our coffee, and talked for 2 hours.  It was a really great end to a really great day.  I didn't get home until 11, and had to be at work by 8 am, but it was totally worth it.  :)

Tonight, after everyone left, I went home, and crocheted for a bit, but decided it was too beautiful out to be inside.  So, I grabbed my fishing pole, and went down to the lake.  (Dad would be proud).  I brought my night crawlers with me, and fished with them on orange and neon yellow jigs for a bit, and caught a smallish bluegill, and a couple small Northerns.  Then, I switched it up for a while and threw a huge orange and neon yellow double-hooked popper on.  I missed my first two hits - but that lure was hit hard!  I'm pretty sure they were big Northers.  However, I did catch a HUGE bluegill.  It was a great fighter, and really fun to bring in.  I decided to keep it and have it for dinner.  After a few more casts, and a couple more glances at the remains of a spectacular sunset, I decided to head in.

At home, I attempted to fillet the fish with a very dull fillet knife.  I haven't filleted a fish in years!  But, I did an OK job.  I'll have to ask a friend to sharpen my knife for me.  I'm pretty sure Mark or Kurt will do it for me at the shop.  Then, next time, I'll ask for a tutorial.  But, I'm relatively happy with my results.  I coated the fillets in flour with salt and pepper and fried them up, and they were delicious!  Man, I love fresh bluegill.  Downfall:  my house, and hands smell like fish.  Oh well...it'll go away eventually.  But, I may be having extra visits from the raccoons tonight!

Thank you, Lord for a great summer, and a great evening of fishing in your beautiful world!

Enter week 8 - the last week of regular summer camp at Timber-lee.  Enter a somewhat exhausted Christina who needs a break pretty badly, yet is still enjoying camp and all that it entails.

Saturday, I was supposed to go skydiving.  Yup, I've always wanted to go skydiving - experience the free-fall, and freedom of it all...flying through the air like a bird before soaring to the ground suspended by a parachute.  But, it didn't work out quite the way that I was expecting...

You see, the guys who planned the skydiving adventure are my health office staff.  They had found someone to cover for them while they were gone so there would be an emergency contact, but he fell through at the last minute.  Since they had planned the whole thing, I didn't want one of them to not be able to go.  So, being the amazing boss that I am, I told them that I would stay and cover for them so they'd be able to dive.  They'd be back between 6 and 7 pm.  I didn't mind...really.  OK, I still really wanted to go -  but honestly, I'd been craving a day at home to get stuff done anyways.

So, I stayed, vacuumed my house, moved some stuff around, did a little dusting, returned some equipment, etc.  I had a pretty good day - though the guys didn't end up getting back until around 9:30 pm.  Which, unfortunately meant that I couldn't go out for dinner and dancing with my friends at 6:30 pm like I was planning.  Oh well.   Life will go on.  I did end up working a 14 hour day, however.  And that sparked this incredible urge in me to take a day off.  Yes!  Take a day off!!!  Can you believe it?!!?!

I worked Sunday and Monday (both long, but good days), and today is THE day.  It's been amazing so far!  I slept until 9 am.  Got up, took a shower, and packed up for the day - gathered laundry, and fun things to do and read.  AT 10:30ish, I absconded with the Radloff's car, and made my way to REI in Brookfield.  The freedom of the road was incredible.  I listened to Gershwin tunes, and sung along in the car.  At REI, I found a jacket that I'd been wanting on sale (it's waterproof and wonderful - I can't wait for fall!).  Next, I headed East on Capital Dr. to Milwaukee where I am now (somewhat blissfully) sitting at Alterra (Humboldt Blvd location), eating an amazing avocado BLT, and sipping a fabulous chai.  Ahhh....  Life is so good right now!

The Humboldt Blvd Alterra is the roasting plant for most of the Alterra locations, and I have to admit, I'm pretty fascinated by it.  I wonder if they do tours...if they do, I definitely want to go.  And I think today may finally be the day that I buy an Alterra t-shirt.  (I've been spending a bit to much, as I didn't spend $150 skydiving this weekend).

Plans for the rest of the day?  I'm not sure.  I think I'll make my way into down town Milwaukee and take a look about.  I've never really tooled around in the city, so I think I'll ask my Alterra "friends" where the best places to go are if I want a "taste" of Milwaukee.  I still need to laundry, so that may be on the docket (it's a bit low on the priority list right now, though perhaps it shouldn't be), and I think I'll end the day at Skibba's place.  Maybe Ruth will even show up. 

Anyways - it's a good day, and I'm reveling in my freedom!  Thank you, Lord!

It's so nice to have a morning off...

I've finally figured out that I need to balance my time here at camp, and not work 70+ hour weeks, and that it's completely possible to get the hours under control.  (sigh of relief)  This week, I've been doing an every-other-day schedule of 8 am - 7 pm (ish), and 11 am/12 noon - 9 pm ish.  I think it's working pretty well; I love having a couple mornings a week to sleep in a bit and get stuff done around the house.  Often when I get home from work, I just don't have the oomph to keep going and get tasks done.  But, in the morning - no problemmo.  It's also helping me with my task management.  I found that I was having too much time at work, and didn't know how to fill it, but still felt like I needed to be there.  Now, since I have a fairly definite start and end time, I have to get my To Do list done within a certain period of time, and that's a good productivity motivator for me. 

 The one element that makes this all especially difficult is living on camp-grounds.  It's so difficult to separate myself from work when I never really leave.  And when I'm "off", I feel kinda house-bound...because if I go outside past my porch, I'll inevitably run into someone who will need my help or want to talk with me about work-related items.  And all I want is some peace...and distance from work.  I'm not sure how Chris, Andy and Dave do it.  It's definitely not easy.  Of course, they have vehicles.

Speaking of vehicles - I saw a sweet Subaru Forester for sale the other day.  I was out with my friend Kara and stopped to take a look.  It's a '99, and going for $4,000 - definitely more that I want to spend, but it's so tempting.  I called about it last night, and left a message.  But, this morning after spending some time on Design*Sponge, I'm really missing Adobe, and the ability to create digital art.  So, the question arises, "would I rather spend $4,000 on a car, and have to wait years to get a computer and software, or would I rather spend $1,500 on an okay car, and be able to buy a computer and software sooner?".  I don't know, I'm just asking God for wisdom, and thinking that I probably won't be buying a car this week.

So, the past couple weeks have had some pretty interesting/hard moments to them.  Two weeks ago, Dad was in the hospital with kidney stones and a ruptured L4.  Last week, I was having absolutely incredible tooth pain - which was miraculously healed by God. Yes, I stand by that - He's the Great Healer!  And this week, I may have to fire someone, and feel like I'm always putting out fires everywhere I go - and I haven't even started planning for the fall retreats that are just around the corner.  Or for the camps that are right around the corner for that matter!  Yikes!  I need to get crackin'.

I have to keep reminding myself that overall, the summer looks really good.  People are pretty happy, departments are running well, and the kids are having a great time, and getting to know Jesus.  It's hard to keep the big picture in mind, when I'm so focused on the details.  I keep telling myself that I know I'm supposed to be here, so everything will work out according to God's plan.

That said, every once in a while I think about the fall - when my contract ends - and wonder where I'll be/what I'll be doing...  I get so frustrated with myself, wondering if I'll ever be 100% happy with where I'm at while I'm there.  Right now, I have no idea what I want to happen in the fall.  Do I want to stay here if it's an option?  If it's not an option, where will I go?  What will I do?  Will I run home with my tail between my legs?  Will I road trip semi-permanently to Montana, and live in a tent outside my brothers' house?  Will I be able to find a job?  Will my loans go into default? 

I don't know the answers to all the questions.  But, I do know that I have a faith in God that will carry me a very long way.  He'll take care of me, He has a plan, and worrying about tomorrow will get me no where.  So, I'll worry about today.  Because each day has enough trouble of its own.

So, we're at the mid-week point of Week 3 of campers - a Junior High week.

It's definitely been a mixed bag this week - my pendulum of responsibilities has been wildly swinging from one end to the other.  I've had awesome days, where I get to the end, and think, "this is what it's all about!  What a great day, with so many great experiences, conversations, and interactions!".  And there are other days, where I get home and think, "Will this week not end?  Will this summer not end?  What am I doing here?". 

I'm not sure how to level out, and stop this wild swinging.  I know I'm here because the Lord planned it, and so I know that He'll work everything out for good.  But, every once in a while, I feel the unsettled edges of the not-so-distant- future creeping in and disturbing my joy.  What will I be doing in 4 months?  Where will I be?  Who will I be?  Lord - what is your plan?  What are you doing in me?

Obviously, I'm in a questioning place today.  But, the thing is that nothing's really gone "wrong" today...it was all just very scattered.  And I've allowed myself to be distracted from my purpose here, and some internal longings.  All of which have thrown my balance off.  (which seems to be a pretty regular occurrence)

Anyways - some highlights of the week have been:

• Spending days encouraging people
• Visiting all the different areas around camp and talking with the staff
• Having meaningful conversations
• Carpet ball games
• Kayaking
• Cloud-gazing
• Having my staff have "victory moments"
• Being encouraged in the Word
• Reading poetry (E.E. Cummings rules)
• Watching the best of Chris Farley with friends
• Long conversations after meals
• Meetings with wise leaders
• Reminiscing over photos
• Talking about Boaz with some of the ladies (what a guy!)
• Singing loud in the truck

Whew!  It's been so long since I've written on here - and SO much has changed....

New Job
New State
New House
New Challenges
New Experiences
New People
New Everything!

Since May 1, I've been the Interim Assistant Director of Youth Ministries at an amazing camp in Wisconsin called Timber-lee.  It's a pretty sweet place.  So many things to do, so many kids, so many opportunities for the kids to get to know Christ better or for the first time.  And I get to be a part of it.  Wow.

It still blows my mind that the Lord saw fit to bring me to where I'm at today.  To a virtual dream job. But, along with all the amazingly great things - like working at camp, being in the outdoors, working with great people, having an amazing staff, living in my own home, living in Wisconsin, working with kids, and getting to help them meet Jesus - there are a lot of hard things, and a lot of learning things too.

I'm having to re-learn management.  I'm having to re-learn how to use my trouble-shooting skills after so many years or working at a non-challenging desk job.  I have to learn how to balance my time when I live at my work, and can easily work 70 hours a week.  I'm having to be incredibly teachable - to ask questions, and be willing to fail.

That last part is definitely one of the hardest parts for me....being willing to fail.  I hate failure.  It is one of my biggest fears ever - and it definitely plays on my pride.  When I do something, I always want it to be perfect the first time.  And that's certainly not going to happen here - but it's giving me an even bigger and broader understanding for and appreciation of God's incredible grace.

Mornings have been so good here.  I have a 1 minute commute (hooray after 6 years of an hour plus commute!), and I can kinds of set my own schedule.  So, I get up around 6 am,go for a job, get ready for the day, make breakfast and a french press around 7 am, and sit on the porch to spend time in the Word and prayer.  By 7:58 am, I head out the door, hop on my bike, and by 8 am, I'm in my office, preparing for the day.  It's so great to finally be able to have my "perfect" morning routine.  Not much could make it better.

So, quick synopsis of the past 2 months.  I moved to Wisconsin into my new home May 1st.  May 2nd, my nephew Dovven was born, and I settled into my place.  May 3rd I began work/training.  Melissa (the gal who I'm filling in for while she's on maternity leave), and Chris (my direct supervisor) oriented me to the job, and we trained for 1.5 weeks, before one morning, I got a text from Melissa at 6:30 am, that she was in labor at the hospital.  So, I didn't get quite all the training I was hoping on, and got thrown in head first to the melee that would be the next 3 weeks.  That weekend, I had to train 2 lifeguards (which was interesting, because I hadn't been fully trained yet - but we made it work).  the next week, I dove in, and did all the Leadership and Summer training prep that I could think to do.  May 23rd(?) the Summer Leadership team arrived, and we had a week of training.  June 1st, the rest of the summer staff arrived, and we began 2 weeks of intensive training and preparation for all the kids that are going to be here this summer.

Right now, we're going into the 3rd week of Summer camp.  We've already had 1 week of Junior High camp, and 1 week of Junior Camp and 3 days of Camp Start (the itty bitty kiddies).  Tomorrow, the next wave of Jr. Hi campers come, and I fully enter the portion of the summer where I have to go from "Boss" to "Disciplinarian".  Yuck.  I'm having a few staff issues, and I'm just praying that the Lord will give me the wisdom, boldness, love and grace to say what I need to say, and do what I need to do.  I don't like being the "bad guy", but I also don't like it when I can't depend upon my staff to do what they need to do.  That is a definite problem.

Anyways, the Lord is good, and He is faithful.  I know that I am here because it's His will, and that He placed me here as a part of His divine purpose.  So, I know that He will give me all the tools that I need to do this job well.  Sometimes, I just wish that meant that He would magically give me all words to say, and the perfect opportunities to say them in - or that I'd have the most incredibly perfect staff ever, and I'd never need to correct them.  :)  Ah well.  Where would be the learning in that!

I'll try to update this at least once a week from now through the end of the summer to fill everyone in on the antics of the week.  Highlights of the past week are:  Catching a mini-Northern, talking with Aiden, hanging out with Pam B., hearing Jenny laugh until she honks, racing my bike with a tractor, and a motor bike (and beating the tractor), going to a rodeo, driving through a crazy thunderstorm/tornado zone, and sitting on my porch...among other things.  Thank you Lord, for all the good gifts you give me!

Oi!  Lately, more often than not, when I say "life", it's with a negative bent.  You know - "I guess that's life", "what am I doing with my life?" "life is hard".  That kind of life.

What I want to be saying is, "so much is happening in life!" "life is good", "this is the life".  That kind of LIFE.  LIFE to the full that's unhindered by my own fear and doubts.

Fear.  I've been beginning to recognize that fear is at the root of so many of what I consider to be my life problems.  I'm so afraid to step out.  To try.  To trust.  That I'll fail.  That I won't make the right choice.  That I'll fall flat on my face... 

The thing is that everyone fails.  Everyone falls.  And that's totally provided for in Grace.  In Mercy.  In God.  Why is it so hard to live LIFE without fear.  Out of a place of trust and in an attitude of living in God's truth?

Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
In Luke 12:32, Jesus says, "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."
And in John 14:27, he says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." 
"Do not be afraid" is the most frequently occurring command in the Bible.

God wants us to trust Him, and to trust in His plan for our lives.  And more than any other, he is to be trusted.  He has come to give us LIFE to the full! (John 10:10).

I don't have the answers.  All I know is this is something I'm dealing with, and I think lots of other people are dealing with:  How to live LIFE out of a place of joy and trust, instead of settling for life and just going through the motions.

I do want to say, that we were meant for LIFE.  And that wanting to live life on a grander scale is a good thing.  And an attainable thing, in Christ.  So, I have hope.  I have hope that God will lead me through this valley, and push me through my fears. Whether it's gently, or with a bit more force than I'd like, he'll lead me to LIFE.  I just hope it's sooner rather than later.  'Cause right now, life stinks.