dream outloud

What is better than lying in a hammock under a beautiful canopy of leaves next to the lake on a hot July day?  I submit to you that there is almost nothing better!  And that, is exactly what I did this afternoon...

Last weekend, Kurt was kind enough to let me take his car for a quick, 24-hour trip home.  I really needed to get outta dodge, and driving with the windows down (granted, mostly because there's no AC, and to help me gauge my speed in an auto with no speedometer) towards Chicago was exactly what I needed.  Sunday morning, I went to the Evanston Vineyard, was challenged by the message to think about who Jesus really is, and what it means to know him.  Then, I went home for a grilled salmon lunch with the parents, and packed up most of my books and music, which have been living, dusty and lonely at home in my 1.5 year absence.

The one glitch:  it was pushing 100 degrees, and the AC upstairs wasn't working!  Packing and hauling boxes in 90 degree heat was a little intense, and by the time I was done packing and loading the car, I was hot and dehydrated...and ready to drive home in a car with no AC to a house that was sure to be scorching.

I made it back to Lake Geneva by 6 pm, closed up the house, turned on the AC, and started unloading boxes in the hot, hot early evening.  I figured, by the time I was done unloading, my house would be nice and cool, and I'd be able to take a shower and spend the evening unpacking in the cool interior.  Boy, was I ever wrong!  Unloading the car went fast, but within 10 minutes, of being back inside, and ready to hop in the shower, the power went out.  Joy of Joys.  I showered in the dark, and then tried to resurrect the AC to no avail.  About every 5 minutes after I threw the breaker to get the power back on, it would go off again.  I was so hot and frustrated, I was ready to cry.  AND, I'd found I had a crazy, coffee-brown leak in my hallway from the Air Conditioner upstairs that was leaking in through the top of the window in the hallway, and turning my white curtains into a coffee-splatter Jackson Pollack (which still isn't fixed).

Anyways, I decided to suck it up, and unpack anyways.  I still think it was a good decision, because it's so nice to have everything up on my shelves, and to have my stereo, books and music with me once again.  However, I was HOT.  Oi!  After a couple hours of unpacking, I was dripping with sweat, and fighting a crazy headache.  I was hanging wet bandanas around my neck, and drinking lots of water, but nothing seemed to work.  So, I decided bed was the best option, and I'd deal with the AC in the morning.  :)

Nothing is fixed, and the week was another doozy, but I got my hammock this week,  and Dad came up on Saturday to install a ceiling fan in my bedroom.  This week will assuredly be insane too, but I'm excited about a 4 day work week coming up!

Friday, Kara, Kellie, Stacey, Margaret, Miriam and myself leave for the Lumberjack World Championship in Hayward, WI!  Yay for camping, friends and lumberjacks!  It's sure to be an awesome time of friends, fires, competition, booze, and late night conversations.  Seriously, what could be better in the middle of summer...except having those conversations from a hammock.  :)

Wow.  I haven't written for a long time.

The short end of life over the past couple months, is that it's hard.  Work is crazy, I sit at a desk most of every day, and I'm a little peeved at the management.  Well, maybe I'm just peeved at life.

God and I are having a hard time right now.  I'm not totally sure why, but we are.  Or, I am.  I think He's probably fine.  It's just to hard to feel okay with life when nothing seems to be going quite "right".  But, what is "right", and what is just my perception of "right"? 

Anyways, being in a hard place (again), I've been trying to figure out what I truly value in life, and what makes life better.  Right now, that means being way more active.  I've been walking into town via the Shore Path pretty frequently, which turns into a nice 3.5 mile walk, and I've been swimming almost every night.  Tuesday mornings, we do Zumba at 6am, and I've been biking pretty often - I just need to work up my endurance.

It also means spending more time actively pursuing people.  Which is really hard.  There are just not too many people around that I feel "safe" investing in.  Everything seems so temporary - people are still in that life-flux where they're moving about every year.  And as much as I crave community, it is exhausting to me - and seemingly pointless - to spend time getting to know more people who will just leave me.  The question is, "is life worth living 'safe and alone', or is it better to take risks, get burned occasionally, and have a few friends to take home at the end of it?"  Kind of a rhetorical questions, I know.  But, it's still hard to step out expecting abandonment. 

Then, there's the counseling that I've started.  It's not pretty.  I'm pretty much a faucet every time.  I'm not totally sure where the water-works come from, but my counselor has said (I think accurately) that I'm dealing with "Complex Grief" from a variety of spiritually abusive situations over the past several years, that I've never fully dealt with.  And that's hard.  I don't want to spend time grieving...but my soul wants me to.  And it's a total tug of war with God, and how I spend my time.  I think "War" is definitely the right word here.  Ugh!  I just wish I could be done with it all - at Point B already!

Thinking about Point B (as in, I just want to get from Point A to Point B) has been good for me, I think.  I keep trying to find my place in the world - what I want to be when I grow up, and trying to define the things I can't live without...simplify my life.  One of the things I can't escape is a dream I've had since High School, that has always been overwhelming to me...opening my own Coffee Shop.  Not just any coffee shop, but one that's connected to a community house for young artists to live in - a place with house-rules and a community kitchen and living space - and a building with studios for them to work in; and they can work for me in the coffee shop to make money/pay rent/display their artwork.  It's such a beautiful dream - full of community, and laughter, and beauty and gardens, and healing and art and hope...  But, it also seems like an impossibility.  And I keep discrediting God - making the assumption that it would fail - that it's too big for Him, when really, maybe it's too big for me.  But, if it's too big for me, then it's a perfect place for God to work in my weaknesses...isn't it?

So now the question remains, "where do I start?".  Where do I begin healing - separating truth from lies, and claiming the truth in my life?  Where do I start trying to figure out what the "fist step" in this coffee shop dream is?  How do I get back to a good place with God?  Where's the community I've always longed for to help me in this process?

Obviously, I don't know the answers to these questions, or I wouldn't be where I'm at.  But, I do have my work cut out for me... 

Lord - help me in my brokenness; in my wandering.  Be my bright and unfailing light.  Lead me on in your glory. Walk alongside me and comfort me as I grieve.  Help me to listen, to obey and to cast my burdens upon you.  I need your strength to lean upon.  Give me the courage to take risks, and to act out my faith in you.  Help me to recover from this world.  Forgive me of my sins, and my self-reliance.  Lead me to a place of hope and trust, and make the journey sweet.  If you could take some of the sting out, or at least give me people to journey with, I would be so grateful.  Help me to find my joy and my purpose in you, and let that joy be contagious so that others may know you too.

Thank you for your unfailing love - your love that is better than life.  Show me in tangible ways that your grace and mercy and joy apply to me - not just in theory, but in truth.  Renew my hope, and help me to dream again...