dream outloud

So……where am I at these days?  I’m not totally sure.  All I know is that the Lord is definitely working in my life.

The last several years have been really hard, and some days are definitely better than others.  But, I’m learning. I think that’s what counts.  

I’ve been seeing a counselor for the past couple months, and the other day he said to me something along the lines of, “you keep experiencing these hard points in life, and moments of suffering…If they keep happening, and you’re not learning anything – we’re in trouble.  But, if they keep happening, and you’re learning from them, and obeying, and making changes – that’s a good thing – even though it feels hard at the time”. 

I had to think about that a little bit (all the while knowing he was right), and had to determine whether I was learning from my trials, and learning to obey God sooner – or even the first time (what!?).  I gave him this example from my life, that I think points to the fact, that I’m learning and growing, despite (or perhaps, because of) the hard times: 

When I was working at Children’s, I was there for 4 years, and I hated almost every moment of it.  It was everything that I didn’t want in life, and God was intentionally taking things dear to me away from me.  I was working in a basement – I love/need the outdoors, and lots of light; I was working in an office – I like to be moving, standing, variety – not being at a computer all day.  I worked in a very solitary roll – I NEED people; need to interact, and converse on a daily, and even an hourly basis.  He took my car from me – I crave “freedom” – the ability to go where I’d like, when I’d like to, etc., etc. 

It took me four years to finally hand over control to God and stop trying to do things on my own ability.  It took four years to reach a low so deep and hurting, that I felt I had no other choice – the if He took anything else, that I would surly shrivel up and die.  But, when I “gave up”; when I relinquished my “power” and control to Him, I felt such peace, such trust that everything would be okay…and it was.  Shortly thereafter, I was offered my dream-job working as a Program Assistant at the camp I had grown up at and loved deeply.  There was definitely challenge associated with taking the job, and leaving a bigger, steadier pay check, but it was a risk worth taking, and one that the Lord very obviously led me to.

After working at the camp for my contracted 9 months, I was without a job for 4 months, wondering what God had for me, and yet completely at peace knowing He would provide.  That time took a toll on my checkbook, but I experienced such love and generosity from friends, and learned how to accept help in my times of need.  It taught me how to let go, and how to trust.

In the end of January, I finally found a job, at what appeared to be the perfect place – another camp, this job full-time, salaried, with benefits, housing, and meals whenever we had guests on grounds.  I found, applied for, interviewed, and accepted the job in 1.5 weeks, and within 1 month, I kinda hated it.  Now, it’s been 6 months, and I’ve given myself permission to leave.  Such a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Each day is a total challenge, and I despise more than I like about the job, the place, the people – but I have learned in 6 months, what previously took 4 years:  Let go, Trust God, Seek Him.

Now, I’m not actively looking for a job, which is kind of hard, but I am learning to be thankful for the trials that God has brought, and is bringing me through.  I’m learning how to accept His discipline and wait on Him.  I am learning to trust that God has good things for me, and to ask Him what they are.  I am learning to be obedient, and I’m learning to find excitement and joy in the journey, instead of just frustration, anger, and discontent.  

And so I wait.  And I pray.  And I anticipate all the ways that God is going to blessed me.

I’ve also learned things about myself.  After being on both sides of the “desk”, I’ve learned that I’d rather be on my feet for 9 hours a day, than behind a desk staring at a computer.  I’ve learned that I’d rather be interacting with people all day, that working in an office.  And I’ve learned that I need to be able to exercise some form of creativity on a daily basis…I’m still not sure whether that needs to happen during my working hours yet, but if it could it would be amazing.  So basically, I know now, that I’d be happier waiting tables or working retail, that working in an office or doing anything administrative full time.  And I think that’s progress.  I think that’s a good thing.

So now Lord, I wait on you – I look for your guidance, your revelation, and your redemption in my life.  Lead on – help me to heed your words, and obey you fully.  Lead me on to Good Things that bring glory to you and your name and furthers your kingdom for all eternity!  Let my purpose and my direction rest in You.