dream outloud

Wow.  I haven't written for a long time.

The short end of life over the past couple months, is that it's hard.  Work is crazy, I sit at a desk most of every day, and I'm a little peeved at the management.  Well, maybe I'm just peeved at life.

God and I are having a hard time right now.  I'm not totally sure why, but we are.  Or, I am.  I think He's probably fine.  It's just to hard to feel okay with life when nothing seems to be going quite "right".  But, what is "right", and what is just my perception of "right"? 

Anyways, being in a hard place (again), I've been trying to figure out what I truly value in life, and what makes life better.  Right now, that means being way more active.  I've been walking into town via the Shore Path pretty frequently, which turns into a nice 3.5 mile walk, and I've been swimming almost every night.  Tuesday mornings, we do Zumba at 6am, and I've been biking pretty often - I just need to work up my endurance.

It also means spending more time actively pursuing people.  Which is really hard.  There are just not too many people around that I feel "safe" investing in.  Everything seems so temporary - people are still in that life-flux where they're moving about every year.  And as much as I crave community, it is exhausting to me - and seemingly pointless - to spend time getting to know more people who will just leave me.  The question is, "is life worth living 'safe and alone', or is it better to take risks, get burned occasionally, and have a few friends to take home at the end of it?"  Kind of a rhetorical questions, I know.  But, it's still hard to step out expecting abandonment. 

Then, there's the counseling that I've started.  It's not pretty.  I'm pretty much a faucet every time.  I'm not totally sure where the water-works come from, but my counselor has said (I think accurately) that I'm dealing with "Complex Grief" from a variety of spiritually abusive situations over the past several years, that I've never fully dealt with.  And that's hard.  I don't want to spend time grieving...but my soul wants me to.  And it's a total tug of war with God, and how I spend my time.  I think "War" is definitely the right word here.  Ugh!  I just wish I could be done with it all - at Point B already!

Thinking about Point B (as in, I just want to get from Point A to Point B) has been good for me, I think.  I keep trying to find my place in the world - what I want to be when I grow up, and trying to define the things I can't live without...simplify my life.  One of the things I can't escape is a dream I've had since High School, that has always been overwhelming to me...opening my own Coffee Shop.  Not just any coffee shop, but one that's connected to a community house for young artists to live in - a place with house-rules and a community kitchen and living space - and a building with studios for them to work in; and they can work for me in the coffee shop to make money/pay rent/display their artwork.  It's such a beautiful dream - full of community, and laughter, and beauty and gardens, and healing and art and hope...  But, it also seems like an impossibility.  And I keep discrediting God - making the assumption that it would fail - that it's too big for Him, when really, maybe it's too big for me.  But, if it's too big for me, then it's a perfect place for God to work in my weaknesses...isn't it?

So now the question remains, "where do I start?".  Where do I begin healing - separating truth from lies, and claiming the truth in my life?  Where do I start trying to figure out what the "fist step" in this coffee shop dream is?  How do I get back to a good place with God?  Where's the community I've always longed for to help me in this process?

Obviously, I don't know the answers to these questions, or I wouldn't be where I'm at.  But, I do have my work cut out for me... 

Lord - help me in my brokenness; in my wandering.  Be my bright and unfailing light.  Lead me on in your glory. Walk alongside me and comfort me as I grieve.  Help me to listen, to obey and to cast my burdens upon you.  I need your strength to lean upon.  Give me the courage to take risks, and to act out my faith in you.  Help me to recover from this world.  Forgive me of my sins, and my self-reliance.  Lead me to a place of hope and trust, and make the journey sweet.  If you could take some of the sting out, or at least give me people to journey with, I would be so grateful.  Help me to find my joy and my purpose in you, and let that joy be contagious so that others may know you too.

Thank you for your unfailing love - your love that is better than life.  Show me in tangible ways that your grace and mercy and joy apply to me - not just in theory, but in truth.  Renew my hope, and help me to dream again...