dream outloud

Ah, Autumn...my favorite time of year...the colors of the trees are changing, the days and nights are getting crisper, there are crunchy leaves on the ground.  The sky resorts to gorgeous shads of deep blue and gray... Harvest is going in full swing, there are so many good smells in the air.  And did I mention the colors! (I love the colors!)  It's been beautiful living by the lake.  Every once in a while I have a moment where I look around at where I've taken up residence, and think, "I live here".  In this place where people come to vacation - to get away from their busy life, and enjoy each other - that's where I live.

So, the reality of my work situation hasn't changed all that much since my last post.  I still work in an office, doing administrative things behind a desk 40+ hours a week.  But, there's been a big change in the last couple months - people.  I don't know what switch flipped, but I'm so glad it did.  One day I was the "new girl", and on the outskirts of Camp Family-society, and the next day, I was apparently "in".  I have no idea what prompted the change - all I know is that I'm grateful to be "on the inside".  It sucks being on the outside - isolated, lonely, alone...and whatever other adjective you want to use for being completely cut off from regular human interaction.  Because that's what those first several months felt like here.

Now, I'm beginning to get to know people.  Doors are being opened, conversations are starting, and I feel like I may actually be making friends again.  It's been a long time since I've felt like I needed to put the effort into making friends.  So, I think this is a good thing.  I'm opening up - I'm being more willing to put myself out there and be hurt....OR to discover that there really are good people out there.  Maybe they won't be my best friends...but who knows - maybe they will be!

The point is, that something in me is healing and letting go.  The fact that I'm okay being vulnerable again says a lot.  It says that I'm okay with where I'm at (in my person, if not physically).  It says that instead of being in protective mode, I'm willing to take some risks.  It says that I'm growing, and more willing to pour into others, fully knowing that I may not get anything back.  And in all of this, I feel like I'm learning how to achieve a balance that can only come with age and experience.

A part of me still wrestles with whether I want to put anything into these relationships, because it means that I have something to lose if/when I leave.  But, I know that I must have community in my life, or it's not worth living.  So, if/when the wrench of leaving people I love comes, it will be bitter sweet.  But, I'd rather it have that slight taste of bitterness in leaving, than in staying.

So, thank you, Lord.  Thank you for working in my heart and in my life.  Thank you for answering prayer and providing people to be part of a community with.  Please continue to work in my life, and grow these seeds however you see fit.

What is better than lying in a hammock under a beautiful canopy of leaves next to the lake on a hot July day?  I submit to you that there is almost nothing better!  And that, is exactly what I did this afternoon...

Last weekend, Kurt was kind enough to let me take his car for a quick, 24-hour trip home.  I really needed to get outta dodge, and driving with the windows down (granted, mostly because there's no AC, and to help me gauge my speed in an auto with no speedometer) towards Chicago was exactly what I needed.  Sunday morning, I went to the Evanston Vineyard, was challenged by the message to think about who Jesus really is, and what it means to know him.  Then, I went home for a grilled salmon lunch with the parents, and packed up most of my books and music, which have been living, dusty and lonely at home in my 1.5 year absence.

The one glitch:  it was pushing 100 degrees, and the AC upstairs wasn't working!  Packing and hauling boxes in 90 degree heat was a little intense, and by the time I was done packing and loading the car, I was hot and dehydrated...and ready to drive home in a car with no AC to a house that was sure to be scorching.

I made it back to Lake Geneva by 6 pm, closed up the house, turned on the AC, and started unloading boxes in the hot, hot early evening.  I figured, by the time I was done unloading, my house would be nice and cool, and I'd be able to take a shower and spend the evening unpacking in the cool interior.  Boy, was I ever wrong!  Unloading the car went fast, but within 10 minutes, of being back inside, and ready to hop in the shower, the power went out.  Joy of Joys.  I showered in the dark, and then tried to resurrect the AC to no avail.  About every 5 minutes after I threw the breaker to get the power back on, it would go off again.  I was so hot and frustrated, I was ready to cry.  AND, I'd found I had a crazy, coffee-brown leak in my hallway from the Air Conditioner upstairs that was leaking in through the top of the window in the hallway, and turning my white curtains into a coffee-splatter Jackson Pollack (which still isn't fixed).

Anyways, I decided to suck it up, and unpack anyways.  I still think it was a good decision, because it's so nice to have everything up on my shelves, and to have my stereo, books and music with me once again.  However, I was HOT.  Oi!  After a couple hours of unpacking, I was dripping with sweat, and fighting a crazy headache.  I was hanging wet bandanas around my neck, and drinking lots of water, but nothing seemed to work.  So, I decided bed was the best option, and I'd deal with the AC in the morning.  :)

Nothing is fixed, and the week was another doozy, but I got my hammock this week,  and Dad came up on Saturday to install a ceiling fan in my bedroom.  This week will assuredly be insane too, but I'm excited about a 4 day work week coming up!

Friday, Kara, Kellie, Stacey, Margaret, Miriam and myself leave for the Lumberjack World Championship in Hayward, WI!  Yay for camping, friends and lumberjacks!  It's sure to be an awesome time of friends, fires, competition, booze, and late night conversations.  Seriously, what could be better in the middle of summer...except having those conversations from a hammock.  :)

Wow.  I haven't written for a long time.

The short end of life over the past couple months, is that it's hard.  Work is crazy, I sit at a desk most of every day, and I'm a little peeved at the management.  Well, maybe I'm just peeved at life.

God and I are having a hard time right now.  I'm not totally sure why, but we are.  Or, I am.  I think He's probably fine.  It's just to hard to feel okay with life when nothing seems to be going quite "right".  But, what is "right", and what is just my perception of "right"? 

Anyways, being in a hard place (again), I've been trying to figure out what I truly value in life, and what makes life better.  Right now, that means being way more active.  I've been walking into town via the Shore Path pretty frequently, which turns into a nice 3.5 mile walk, and I've been swimming almost every night.  Tuesday mornings, we do Zumba at 6am, and I've been biking pretty often - I just need to work up my endurance.

It also means spending more time actively pursuing people.  Which is really hard.  There are just not too many people around that I feel "safe" investing in.  Everything seems so temporary - people are still in that life-flux where they're moving about every year.  And as much as I crave community, it is exhausting to me - and seemingly pointless - to spend time getting to know more people who will just leave me.  The question is, "is life worth living 'safe and alone', or is it better to take risks, get burned occasionally, and have a few friends to take home at the end of it?"  Kind of a rhetorical questions, I know.  But, it's still hard to step out expecting abandonment. 

Then, there's the counseling that I've started.  It's not pretty.  I'm pretty much a faucet every time.  I'm not totally sure where the water-works come from, but my counselor has said (I think accurately) that I'm dealing with "Complex Grief" from a variety of spiritually abusive situations over the past several years, that I've never fully dealt with.  And that's hard.  I don't want to spend time grieving...but my soul wants me to.  And it's a total tug of war with God, and how I spend my time.  I think "War" is definitely the right word here.  Ugh!  I just wish I could be done with it all - at Point B already!

Thinking about Point B (as in, I just want to get from Point A to Point B) has been good for me, I think.  I keep trying to find my place in the world - what I want to be when I grow up, and trying to define the things I can't live without...simplify my life.  One of the things I can't escape is a dream I've had since High School, that has always been overwhelming to me...opening my own Coffee Shop.  Not just any coffee shop, but one that's connected to a community house for young artists to live in - a place with house-rules and a community kitchen and living space - and a building with studios for them to work in; and they can work for me in the coffee shop to make money/pay rent/display their artwork.  It's such a beautiful dream - full of community, and laughter, and beauty and gardens, and healing and art and hope...  But, it also seems like an impossibility.  And I keep discrediting God - making the assumption that it would fail - that it's too big for Him, when really, maybe it's too big for me.  But, if it's too big for me, then it's a perfect place for God to work in my weaknesses...isn't it?

So now the question remains, "where do I start?".  Where do I begin healing - separating truth from lies, and claiming the truth in my life?  Where do I start trying to figure out what the "fist step" in this coffee shop dream is?  How do I get back to a good place with God?  Where's the community I've always longed for to help me in this process?

Obviously, I don't know the answers to these questions, or I wouldn't be where I'm at.  But, I do have my work cut out for me... 

Lord - help me in my brokenness; in my wandering.  Be my bright and unfailing light.  Lead me on in your glory. Walk alongside me and comfort me as I grieve.  Help me to listen, to obey and to cast my burdens upon you.  I need your strength to lean upon.  Give me the courage to take risks, and to act out my faith in you.  Help me to recover from this world.  Forgive me of my sins, and my self-reliance.  Lead me to a place of hope and trust, and make the journey sweet.  If you could take some of the sting out, or at least give me people to journey with, I would be so grateful.  Help me to find my joy and my purpose in you, and let that joy be contagious so that others may know you too.

Thank you for your unfailing love - your love that is better than life.  Show me in tangible ways that your grace and mercy and joy apply to me - not just in theory, but in truth.  Renew my hope, and help me to dream again...

Okay, I'll be honest...it's been incredibly good to get away from camp for awhile - and away from Lake Geneva.  Eve if it's only been for a few hours, it's totally worth it.  And even if it is snowing! in April after it was 80 degrees last Sunday...Just being an hour away for a couple of hours has been totally refreshing.  I'd still like a "real" vacation, but I'll take what I can get!

So, I've been settling into my new life in Lake Geneva at LGYC & CC.  I think I'm beginning to hit a rhythm, so now it's time to change it up.  I'm definitely still very alone - so first change is to have a "community night".  I think after Easter, Friday nights are going to be Open House nights:  Bring a chair, and a game and food to share.  I'll never know who exactly's going to show up, but I think I'm not the only one who's craving a regular hang-out night.  I can't do a lot about my seating situation right now, but I also can't wait until everything's perfect.  So, come all ye people, and let's have fun!

Next step - regular work out nights.  I've been going to the beach just about every night - but now it's time for something more.  AKA - no more Netflix until I've done something active!  So - lots of walks, hiking in Big Foot and biking.  I think I'm going to buy a new bike...AND I've got permission to get a puppy!  I think I'll wait until the fall - I think I'll be done with any major traveling by then.  But, it will be good to have "someone" around when I get home.  :)

Another step - Do Something Creative - EVERY DAY!  If it's painting my walls, crocheting, making a card, making jewelry, coloring - whatever.  I NEED to create.  I've found that I'm quite unhappy when I don't.  It's like a part of me is dying inside.  Sounds dramatic, but it's true.

Anyways, that's my plan to get over the fact that I'm working a desk job again.  Never thought I'd go back to a desk...but I know it's where God has me.  Maybe it will evolve and change...or maybe I'll move to Oregon... :)

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.
http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/1400202981/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299514898&sr=8-1

These past few months have been an absolute whirlwind. To break it down:

• May 1, 2010 - move to East Troy, WI from Chicago for job as Interim Assistant Director of Youth Ministry at Timber-lee Christian Center.
• October 12, 2010 - Wrap up Mother/Daughter retreat at Timber-lee, and start packing - apparently my work here is done.
• October 17, 2010 - Move from Timber-lee to (my incredibly generous friends') the Skibba's home in Elkhorn, WI.
• Spend 3.5 months looking for a job, and wondering what in the world God is doing.
• January 15, 2011 - See ad for job as Conference Assistant in the bulletin at Saturday Community.
• January 16, 2011 - Sunday, the library is closed.
• January 17, 2011 - Call Joel (who works at LGCC), and ask him about job/if he thinks he'd be ok working with me. Send in resume and cover letter
• January 18, 2011 - Call Brad to follow up - leave a message.
• January 19, 2011 - Brad calls to schedule an interview for the next day.
• January 20, 2011 - Interview. It goes well.
• January 21, 2011 - Brad calls to ask for references.
• January 22, 2011 - I send references.
• January 25, 2011 - Brad asks me in for another interview.
• January 26, 2011 - 2nd Interview - Brad offers me the job. I accept
• January 28, 2011 - 1st Day on the job at LGCC
• January 31 - First week of work at LGCC, I live in Willows 3-4 for two weeks
• February 8 - Jessica moves out of Timbers, I'm now free to move in.
• February 10 - Joel helps me move stuff from Timber-lee to Timbers
• February 12 - I move most of my stuff from the Skibbas (still living in Willows)
• February 13 - Joel and I move the rest of my stuff from the Skibbas. Note - he great at backing up a trailer. :) I spend my first night (amidst the boxes) at Timbers.
• February 14 - Now - Slowly settling into Timbers, beginning to make it feel like home.
• February 26 - Parents come up to visit. Go out for a Birthday Dinner.
• February 28 - My Birthday! It wasn't a very good one.

Today - March 1, 2011 - I am lonely, and alone. Living in the middle of a camp, but completely isolated; cut off from the rest of the world.

I don't know what's up with all these highs and lows. God's doing something here, and I think I'm under attack. Yesterday was so hard. Few people acknowledged that it was my birthday, which is not something that I would normally dwell on, but it just emphasized how alone and unknown I am. And it was easy to feel sorry for myself, even amidst a large group of people.

Camp Family life is hard to integrate into. I know I've only been here for a month. But, I think it's kind of sad that the only person I really know here is Joel, and that's because we've known each other for 6 years. Becoming a part of the family will take time. I know that. But the meantime is really lousy, and I have to be very careful not to sink into that darkness.

The Lord has been protecting me in many ways, but even the smallest things seem so huge right now. I've been through so many moves and transitions that sometimes I wake up at night and don't know where I am. So lost. My job at LGCC is permanent for pretty much as long as I'd like it to be, but I can't help feeling unsettled...I haven't stayed anywhere for longer than a few months for the past year. It leaves me thinking that I'm going to have to pack up and move again in a couple months. It's taking a huge effort to put down roots. I want to paint my apartment, but it seems an almost foolish investment to part of my mind - because who knows how long I'll be around to enjoy it...

Lord, please don't let me become bitter in my loneliness. In my isolation. Provide me with community, and help me to find my rest - my home - in you. You are my rock, my refuge and my strength. Give me the grace, the patience, and the tenacity to work hard and pull through this time of transition and isolation. Grant me the self-control and discipline to keep my eyes set on you - to keep running this race, and not get tangled in the web of my own thoughts and selfishness.

Lead on, Lord.